Day 44: More Bugs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to fear getting parasites in my body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having a tick stick onto my body and dig its feet into my body and suck my blood

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear a bug will fly or walk into my mouth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear moths

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge moths as ugly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being stung by a bee or a wasp

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately go into fear that a bee or wasp will sting me because they will be able to sense that I fear them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge flies as filthy dirty disgusting insects that will get filth on me if it lands on me eg. faeces

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear leaving food out because a bug or fly might get into it and I might eat it and it might end up in my stomach and cause me to become sick or get a parasite that will cause me to get extremely ill and possibly die

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I might get a parasite or give a parasite to someone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to obsessively fear getting or having a parasite

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I might get a parasite in my heart

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I might get a parasite in my brain

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I might get or have a parasite in my stomach

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear to pictures of parasites and start imagining all of them in my body and then worry that somehow I might get one if I'm not careful

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear bugs with long skinny tentacles

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear bugs with many legs and long skinny legs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear bed bugs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear cockroaches

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear scorpions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear centipedes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear millipedes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear locusts

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear swarms

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear black widows

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear hairy spiders

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear bugs that walk on water

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and hate mosquitoes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear child of the earth insects

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear microscopic bugs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear mites

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear ticks

to be continued...

Day 43: It's all as me here

Did you ever have a look at yourself self-honestly and go wow I'm a real jerk? I'm one of those people I gossip about, I'm one of those people that gossips, I'm one of those people I despise, I'm one of those egotistical freaks, I'm one of those addicts, I'm one of those people I loathe, I'm one of those selfish people I resent, I'm one of those people who lies to themselves and everyone else, I'm one of those people who is weak, I'm one of those people who is afraid and scared, I'm one of those people who is greedy, I'm one of those people who likes to win and thus accepts losers, I'm one of those liars, I'm one of those people who consumes, I'm one of those people who likes division, I'm one of those racists, I'm one of those prejudice people, I'm one of those people who feels sorry for themselves, I'm one of those people who is fake, I'm one of those people who cheats, I'm one of those people who uses, I'm one of those people who abuses, I'm one of those people who judges, I'm one of those people who steals, I'm one of those people who doesn't know themselves, I'm one of those people obsessed with body image, I'm one of those losers, I'm one of those people who hates, I'm all these characters I claim to hate yet I deny it by blaming others of it.

Self-honesty is not fun or pretty it can be quite fucked up to realize everything I have accepted and allowed and even more fucked up to realize that I have fucked myself so much that it has become hard to face, see, realize understand and take self-responsiblity for myself. Who knew self-honesty would be difficult? Who knew I actually created myself in such a way that I would find it hard to consider others and look at myself and correct myself and stop participating in my creation.

Before I found Desteni and started walking my process writing and applying self-forgiveness I thought somehow in this world I had a purpose in life and I thought once I found that purpose I would be fulfilled and satisfied. The purpose I wanted was only to please my ego and self-interest, I never really gave a true fuck about anyone else or anything else just simply cared about how I would look to others for my accomplishments and about the fuzzy feeling I would have. I have the opportunity to do something and give myself a purpose I realize it is difficult because I have allowed myself to be programmed. The purpose I was looking for was actually just a means to acquire energy like a vampire sucking blood from its victim.

I still haven't cried properly, I'm not sure what I'm holding onto and not sure why but writing has been supportive.

Day 42: I'm Buggin

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to bugs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to scream in horror when I see a bug or if one flies near me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear a bug touching my skin

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear a bug buzzing near my ear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear a bug crawling into my mouth at night

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be captivated by some insects and repulsed by others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being stung or bitten by a bug

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define bugs as dirty and gross

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear bugs crawling on my skin

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to especially fear bugs with very hard outer shells and fly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only fear bugs that are not visually pretty according to what I think is pretty or interesting for instance a butterfly, lady bug, praying mantis, walking stick, rollie pollie, spiders or a caterpillar

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear spider webs and be completely disgusted when I touch one or walk into one by accident

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate the feeling of spider web on my hands

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react and feel grossed out when I see other people touch old spider webs with their bear hands

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the feeling of bug legs and little feet on my skin

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if a bug is too close for too long it might get me sick somehow

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be grossed out by those big green fat bugs because I'm afraid that I might accidentally squash it and then its guts will gush everywhere

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear bugs because I can not communicate with them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that because certain insects are so small they might sting me before I even know it so I run so they won't get close

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear bugs because I can not control them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that an insect might attach to me so much that I can not get it off of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting a disease from an insect

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear bugs because I don't fully understand them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be prejudice against insects

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from bugs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear insects

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear a bug sucking my blood and passing another persons blood into my blood stream

To be continued...

Day 41: Cleanliness is next to godliness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to clean out as a reaction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to copy the cleaning character from my mother

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to recreate a program through accepting and allowing myself to exist as a cleaning character

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to back-chat about my mothers reactions to the condition of my home and wish she never came over for a visit in the first place

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my mothers reaction before her visit during her visit and judge myself after she left

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about what my mother might say to me about how my house looks and then start cleaning from the reaction of fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to clean from the starting point of pleasing what I perceived my mothers idea of an acceptable clean home would look and smell like

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged as dirty and as a slob

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people will think less of me if my house is not clean and orderly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as disorganized, dirty and a slob

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to clean from the polarity reaction of dirty is bad and clean is good

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad about myself if my house isn't clean and feel good about myself if my house is clean

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and listen to the words in my head "cleanliness is next to godliness" while I'm cleaning

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that cleanliness is next to godliness and not actually consider what this saying means, if it is in fact common sense or fuzzy logic

Thus I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to clear my starting pointf rather then just blindly living words that I heard someone speak based on my idea of what it meant based on my beliefs, ideas and opinions

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider the atrocious conditions billions of people must suffer and accept as their standard living condition because of an unequal money system

I forgive myself thgat I have accepted and allowed myself to make such a huge deal out of cleaning while not considering others and how allowing and accepting back-chat is actually creating unhealthy living conditions for many beings in this world, humans, animals etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted or allowed myself to make cleaning into a positive and negatively charged event rather then simply seeing the common sense points to consider regarding cleanliness such as hygiene for example

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that if someone makes a "mess" that they are somehow being disrespectful toward me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take messes personally whether they are my own or if others have made them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a huge deal of cleaning

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to question the saying that cleanliness is next to godliness because if that were the case then how come god would allow such disgusting living conditions for so many beings so much so that even drinking water unclean and unsafe to drink

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame god for people living in disgusting living conditions and not realize that I am co-creating and equally participating in this world therefore I am equally responsible for cleaning it up and stopping the atrocities by prevention rather than getting to a point where so many people have to suffer at the hands of the elite because our monetary system is based on winners and losers
 
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider that people have to sift through trash to find food because I have allowed and accepted a world that is unequal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be preoccupied within my own little bubble so much so that I have not considered all the consequences of allowing myself to exist as this cleaning character that only cares about my ego and wanting others to see me as clean and well put together

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see realize or understand that no one should ever have to live in an unclean unsafe environment

I commit myself to being a custodian to clear myself and clean up this world as myself so that no matter who or where anyone is at any given moment anyone can swap places with anyone and be satisfied because all are equal, respected and able live a life of dignity

I commit myself to practicing self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-correction so that one day I may stand equal to and one with self-trust within and as self-honesty within and as breath within and as moment here within and as self-expression

I commit myself to clean up the mess I have made I start here through writing to see where I am still self-dishonest forgiving myself within and as self-honesty and walk the necessary self-correction

Day 40: Nothing to say

Well today I'm not feeling so good, I have been tired all day and there is a heaviness throughout my body. I don't have much to write about I did want to talk about cleaning again so that I can complete my last post but right now it doesn't seem so relevant. I had to force myself to blog today, I just feel sad and listless. I know I've been suppressing myself and this is probably just a build up of that but for some reason I don't want to express myself today. I feel shit and that's about it. I have committed to writing everyday even if it seems that it's non-constructive, I'm not even sure if that is a word. Anyway I still write here to support me, mostly I have this huge blockage in my throat and chest and I want to cry but I feel that maybe it's not important to cry and it would be a huge waste. Maybe crying will release this bent, twisted knot in my solar plexus I'm not sure, maybe I will cry, I don't want anyone to see me because I'm not sure why I feel like crying and I don't have a decent explanation. I don't really understand myself at the moment. I've had trouble remaining here all day nothing seems to make sense, I may be feeling sorry for myself so I will stop here.

Day 39: Cinderella

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself by watching Disney movies growing up as a child and immediately place myself in the female role and believe that I entirely related to certain female characters

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like Cinderella when cleaning

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of that part of the movie where Cinderella is cleaning

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for myself when I clean

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry when I clean and take out my anger on cleaning

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the energy of anger to move myself to clean

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make cleaning more than myself


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from cleaning

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that if the house is clean I can relax and if it is dirty I must be uncomfortable and I must judge myself the whole time until I get up and start cleaning based on anger

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare the cleanliness of my house to other homes and be upset because I think that it would be impossible to be that clean without cleaning for hours on end everyday

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel dissatisfied with how clean my home is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming sick if the house is dirty

to be continued...

Day 38: What part of housework doesn't he understand?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated with men and wish that they could just understand what needs to be done in terms of housework and do it without being asked

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that it is my responsibility to tell a man what he should do in terms of housework otherwise it won't get done

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish that men thought like women when it comes to household responsibilities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish men thought

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge all men as having an inability to be practical in terms of housework

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself as a victim

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react by telling my agreement partner that I don't want to be his mother and treat him as a child

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react because I fear becoming my mother

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to nag at my agreement partner and not see realize or understand that is not practical nor an effective way to support him or myself in terms of self-responsibility and practical physical living

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to become bossy and feel authorized to be bossy because I feel I do more in terms of housework

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define household responsibilities as work and not see realize or understand that moving in the physical is not difficult and actually very supportive in terms of remaining here present

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want things done in a specified way and feel frustrated when it is not done in the way I have defined as acceptable and the right way

thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to micro-manage or just simply take over the household task they are working on because I do not trust they will do it to my standard

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the way I do things as the right way and the way he does things the wrong way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the household work done by my agreement partner as half-assed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to copy this character mimicking my mother and her mother and thus not breaking the cycle of the stereotypical female role women have accepted for eons of time -- bickerer, egotism, victimization, inferiority, self-pity, judgement, anger, back-chat, frustration, blame, righteousness, gossip, manipulator, etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I need to praise my agreement partner when he cleans the house and back-chat that no one ever gives a shit if I clean why do we always make such a big damn deal about him?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to back-chat that if  man would clean the house like he cleans his vehicle everything would be fine

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry that my agreement partner won't get up and clean as soon as he see's me cleaning

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my agreement partner of lacking common sense in terms of when things need to be cleaned

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to redo "chores" that my agreement partner did because I was dissatisfied with the way it was done in the first place

to be continued....

Day 37: Damsel in Distress

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and percieve that if I have a man in my life he must take care of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I need a man to take care of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that without a man in my life I would be unable to remain stable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want a man to do all the things I think a man should do according to sterotypes of a man yet at the same time be unwilling to trap myself in sterotypical feminine roles

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel safe when a man acts like a sterotypical male character

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist walking this point of male and female roles

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself resist change because this would require for me to trust myself and take responsibility for myself and my world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame men for the condition of this world

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize or understand that I am equally responsible for the condition of this world and for the characters that we all currently participate within and as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit self expression through accepted and allowing myself to try and trap others in character roles just so that I don't have to face myself


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a damsel in distress character

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe what I saw in the media about how men and women should conduct themselves and to try and act out those roles so that I would be accepted in society and by a man

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to question the absurdity of such roles

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see realize or understand that I am equally responsible for the separation these roles cause

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want a man to save me

to be continued...

Day 36: Fear Possession

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and control another person

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to direct and control my actions, words and deeds

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine the worse case senario

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to decide that it is a mans responsibiltiy to keep me out of harms way and forsee any possible problems before they develop

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get mad at the person in my world that is male because I blame him for not being manly enough to take care of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge another person as not manly because he didn't make sure there was plenty of gasoline in the car

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my own fear onto another in the form of anger and judgement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my responsibility out there separate from me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form ideas based on traditions, culture, and opinions onto this man

I forgive myself that I did not allow or accept myself to breath and bring myself back here and stabilize myself so that I could practically support myself to respond in a clear rational way

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowedmyself to consider what another person is saying in terms of support while I am in an emotional possession and react by saying thats not true or listen and then give some justification why what they are saying is bullshit and why I am right

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to humble myself in moments when someone is offering practical support

Day 35: Panic

 

I forgive myself that I have acccepted and allowed myself to react in fear when I think I might run out of gas

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to raise my voice and become bossy when I go into a fear reaction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to control others and my surroundings thus not seeing realizing or understanding that I want to control because I am out of control when I am possessed by fear


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak in harsh manner to others when I go into fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being stuck in traffic miles long and run out of gas

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I might get hit by someone driving by if I had to pull over

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to envision myself walking for miles until my shoes tore due to looking for a gas station and then having to walk back with only one gallon of gas and hoping that that one gallon would be enough to get back to a gas station

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame another that the car did not have gas

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make making sure that we have gas our responsibility not just the person driving

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that men should always be the ones to keep a women safe from running out of gas when they are the one driving a car

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider the situation we were in and what caused the confusion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react energetically to having to pick someone up from a place quickly without notice and panic and worry we would not get there on time and the person waiting would be in a terrible situation if we did not move fast

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into my mind rather than remain here considering all the points required to pick someone up eg. gas, directions etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to panic 

to be continued...

Day 34: Dogs and Cats

I have not talked much about the equal money system in this particular blog but I strongly support an equal money system for all, so that all here on earth can live a life of dignity.

Within an equal money system there will be so many changes and one of these changes will be how animals are supported and just one example is medicine for animals right now medicine is only made with one goal in mind and that goal is profit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a world where animals are not supported as equals

I forgive myself myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear with regards to being able to support dogs and cats effectively because specific research has not been done in terms of supporting animals physical bodies

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a world where profit reigns above life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a system of inequality to control all as slaves to a system of abuse and separation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my animals becoming ill and not being able to support them effectively

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that a proper amount of research has not been done to support animals effectively

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be concerned that I may hurt them because I might give them something that harms them while trying to protect them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed system of distrust and self-dishonesty to reign above life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think at points in my life that animals are inferior to human beings

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to properly forgive myself for this point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that animals were inferior to humans

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see realize or understand that I am not here to teach animals anything or treat them as inferior but to learn from them

to be continued...

Day 33: Baby Steps

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I don't know how to make effective self-corrective statements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a mistake when writing out self-correction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a mistake when walking self-corrective application

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a decision to support myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist walking self-correction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist what I perceive to be a challange

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that correcting myself is a challenge

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use fear to hide that I don't want to change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like biting my nails because I know I use it as a way to suppress myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist facing self as this reality and this world

I commit to no longer accept or allow myself to resist writing out self-corrective statements

I commit to breath and be here aware of myself as breath

I commit to no longer give my power away to self-judgement

I commit myself to no longer accept or allow myself to give my power away to energy positive\negative manifestations

I commit to support myself if I make a mistake

I commit to support myself through writing and practicing self-correction, self-direction, self-movement, self-confidence and self-honesty here

I commit myself to face myself in moments that I would normally resist facing myself through nail biting, taking pills to relieve pain, eat, pop my fingers, pick at my face, rub my eyes, yawning, surf the web or make bogus excuses

I commit myself to investigate what I have accepted and allowed in self-dishonesty and separation and correct myself through writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements and self-corrective action

I commit myself to practice supporting myself even if I experience resistance, I see, realize and understand that resistance is the way to self-realization and I will not allow myself to stop just because I have a thought, reaction, feeling or emotion

I see realize and understand that to participate in thoughts, feelings or emotions is give my power away and I will not allow or accept anything less than who I am here

I support myself to continue walking my journey to nothingness without hesitation

I commit to peeling the layers of onion that is me to reveal the core of myself to return to nothingness
 
I see realize and understand that accepting these actions is not self-support but self-suppression and I do not accept or allow this in myself or my world

til here no further

I allow myself to make mistakes

I embrace humility as myself here

I correct myself here

Day 32: Self-Responsibility

I did it again, I started to write and I just ended up deleting and writing and deleting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist writing

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stop thinking while writing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to post-pone self-correction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I will fail myself if I write out self-corrective statements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I will fail to follow through with my commitments in reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and give my power away to thoughts

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist self-corrective statements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist self-correction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist change

I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed myself post-pone writing and distract myself by surfing the web

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel anxious when I think about writing self-corrective statements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about writing self-corrective statements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the excuse that I fear writing self-corrective statements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear self-sabotage

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself by fearing it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won't be specific enough

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider that I must practice specificity until I can live it in fact equal and one as myself here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear changing me for real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing the old me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hold onto memories and characters that I have defined and limited myself by so that I don't have to be self-responsible for my actions or this world as me here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define responsibility as negative, bad, wrong

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I have also defined responsibility as positive, good rightous

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to exist as and define self-responsibility within and as a polarity manifestation

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allow myself to see realize and understand that I will not be able to live self-responsibility until I have redefined this word for myself equal and one

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word self-responsibility 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that what I have done is unacceptable therefore I should be punished

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see realize and understand that wanting to be punished is abdication of self-responsibility 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this as an excuse to remain on the fence about who I will be and what I will and won't allow in myself and the world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed that I have allowed myself to diminish to a selfish individual that only cares about myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to remain humble

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself

To Be Continued...

Day 31: Nail Biting

I bit my nails so much yesterday that they still hurt today and will probably hurt tomorrow it was mostly my left hand and especially my pointer finger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bite my nails

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bite my nails to avoid what is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bite my nails to avoid self-intimacy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for biting my nails

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself bite my nails until it hurts

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hurt my body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bite my nails so short that it hurts so that I have another point to focus on as a distraction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hurt my body and then talk about it as a way to make conversation and not support myself just whine about it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bite my nails for attention

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a nail biter

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that I am addicted to biting my nails and am unable to stop

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stop biting my nails because I like it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get energy from nail biting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the energy of nail biting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to impulsively bite my nails

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use nail biting to suppress irritation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use nail biting to suppress anger

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use nail biting to suppress judgement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use nail biting to suppress self-expression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use nail biting to suppress disgust

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use nail biting to suppress feelings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use nail biting to suppress emotions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use nail biting to suppress thoughts

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use nail biting to suppress self-blame

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use nail biting to suppress blame

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use nail biting to suppress speaking in a moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use nail biting to hide from myself and others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from others by nail biting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my human physical body by nail biting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in energy while nail biting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get my fix of energy through nail biting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to alienate myself through and by nail biting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress and isolate myself when nail biting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think while nail biting and not present here equal and one within and as breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to obsessively bite my nails

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bite my nails and worry at the same time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress anxiety while biting my nails

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress self-doubt while biting my nails

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bite my nails as an automated response rather than supporting myself to correct myself here in a moment

I forgive myself that I have  accepted and allowed myself to bite my nails when I feel insecure

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to further suppress suppressions when biting my nails

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed of myself for nail biting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like biting my nails because I think it feels good

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bite my nails when I go into a fear reaction of worry about survival

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bite my nails when I panic

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard the consequences of nail biting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bite my nails when I go into a fear reaction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bite my nails when I fear what others might think about me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am in control while nail biting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am out of control while nail biting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in polarity manifestations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress guilt while nail biting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress shame while nail biting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress regret while nail biting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bite my nails and judge my human physical body at the same time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am fat, gross and disgusting while biting my nails

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bite my nails when I am faced with a decision

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use nail biting to escape into my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use nail biting as a back-door

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use nail biting to suppress nervousness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bite my nails when I feel insecure

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away while nail biting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress sadness while nail biting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate self-responsibility while nail biting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bite my nails when I think about eating

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to chew/eat at myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that something is eating at me and that something is me not directing myself to face myself in every moment


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be unaware of my human physical body while nail biting

To Be Continued...

Day 30: Peeing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put off using the restroom by holding it for hours because I think that its too much of a hassel to get up and go to the restroom

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest pain my lower stomach from holding my pee

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist drinking an efficient amount of water to remain hydrated because I don't like using the restroom because I've accepted and allowed myself to become lazy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I don't like using the restroom

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become lazy which indicates I'm in my mind not here present within and as my human physical body able to simply do what's necessary to be done in a single moment to support myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold my pee in because I thought I would miss out on sleep

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into thoughts and disregard my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give a greater value to sleep than peeing and choose sleep over peeing which indicates I was not actually resting but in my mind thinking

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to support my human physical body and decide that I have a choice whether or not I will or won't support my body 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard the natural functions of my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see realize or understand that my body is supporting me by expelling waste

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold in waste that does not serve my body because I listened to thoughts and gave them authority and abused my body because of it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my human physical body

To be continued...

Day 29: Shell of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my human physical body through the use of drugs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use drug continuously throughout my life as a way to cope and escape

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my human physical body by abusing myself with drugs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try as many different drugs as I could for the thrill

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get a thrill from abusing my body with drugs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be completely disconnected from myself here within and as my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get a rush from abusing my human physical body with drugs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience extreme excitement right before drugs kicked in and enjoy the anticipation of the high

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my thoughts and experiences were real and think that my human physical body was just a shell that I would one day disregard

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to conclude that caring for my human physical body was insignificant and meaningless

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my human physical and that I did not realize it is me I am here within and as my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bit my nails

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pop my knuckles

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be rough with my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be gentle with myself

To be continued.

Day 28: Chill Pill

I was sick last night and unable to write in my blog. My stomach hurt so bad, it was a rolling pain moving throughout my stomach. What caused this is that I took more vitamins yesterday, but not as many as the day before and not on an empty stomach so I thought I would be fine. I hadn't researched the possible side effects of taking these pills or how they react one another.

My agreement partner looked up what the side effects where while I was balled up in bed with abdominal pain. What he found is that some of the pills I took can cause extreme abdominal pain, cramps, vomiting, dizziness, fatigue, diarrhea, constipation etc. The other pill I took also causes dizziness and fatigue. And pills mixed together in general are not recommended. I felt like I was in a fog all day yesterday my stomach hurt and I was pretty much out of it, most of my sinus infection is gone now but I still have pain my abdomen which I personally manifested by trying to get a quick fix.

I realize many points I hadn't allowed myself to fully consider before and the main point is that I have not respected my body in anyway whatsoever. I have been extremely abusive toward my body for years in one way or another, and it is habitual.

I failed to consider the consequences for the things I put in my body such as food, pills, drinks, drugs, men etc. I just flat out didn't care. I thought I stopped this form of self-abuse but I realize that I have just become more cunning in my approach.

I have to say that I did not expect to be revisited by this point again or in this way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to harm my body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear physical pain so much that I choose to drown myself in pills to prevent it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being sick for a long period of time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress that I abuse my body daily

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard my human physical body because I hate myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to forgive myself fully for taking drugs for years

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my human physical body with the types of food I put into my body and the amount I consume

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard my human physical body and only listen to my mind

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to listen to my body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my human physical body for granted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for how I have treated my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge how other people treat their human physical body as a projection of how I see myself which is abusive, disrespectful and neglectful

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear writing about this topic

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed of myself for what I have done and what I'm doing to my body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard the importance of supporting my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hurt my human physical body because it keeps me distracted from what is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hurt my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself so that I can put off facing myself and the consequences I have created for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I can
avoid my accepted and allowed self-abuse

To be continued...

Day 27: Still Sick

I don't feel well today I still have a sinus infection and I tried all kinds of herbs and vitamins to feel better. I took ecinacea, oregano oil, garlic, h2o2, ibprofen, a multi-vitamin and some kind of immune booster and I took some pills more than once and more than on pill, I also tried a nedipot and nothing helped I still feel like shit but worse now because I have developed a massive stomach ache, I think I may have taken way too many pills on an empty stomach.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting an extreme sinus infection because of a memory of being sick recently where I felt so sick that I could hardly move

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming so sick that I might have to go to the doctor

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how much going to a doctor may cost

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be unsure of how come I developed this sinus infection and just panic and look for ways to get over it rather then breathing and fully allowing myself to feel the pain that I have created

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be self-intimate with me here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to put off writing in my blog for today and use the excuse that I'm too sick to write

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about it more than once using being sick as an excuse to put writing off

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed back-chat to justify why I can not write

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress self-expression

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to slow down and be here equal and one with and as breath and listen to my body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear physical pain and make the pain worse by trying to avoid it at all costs

damn it, I just rubbed both eyes again

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for rubbing both of my eyes

oh shit I just did it again what the heck
Breathe in 1234, hold 1234, Breathe out 1234...

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to write out self-corrective statements as a means to support myself when the moment comes where I'm tested in real "real time"whether I will stand equal and one to and as the words I speak

I now see realize and understand that self-corrective statements are a requirement for me to follow through with my self-forgiveness and it is a chance to practice self-honesty in a moment

I see realize and understand that for me to correct myself I require to support myself through writing out self-corrective statements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I will not be able to correctly write out self-corrective statements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to thoughts and give my power away to thoughts

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to remain here to support myself to be present thus able to see directly within a single moment and direct myself accordingly and walk my self-corrective statements and support myself with self-corrective statements as a map to follow when and if the moment arises that I must walk through my self-created points of self-dishonesties, separation and abuse

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I don't know how to write out self-corrective statements and create a block for myself when writing out self-corrective statements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from self-correction

I commit to practicing remaining here and flag pointing when I allow myself to go into my mind eg. Rubbing both eyes at the same time or feeling energy movements in my solar plexus or in my throat and neck areas. And breath speak self-forgiveness in the moment and delete the thought and also write down the primary point that I allowed to move me and direct me to further investigate here within this blog

Day 27: Life is NOT a dream

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to remain present here equal and one within and as my human physical body while resting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my mind take over while sleeping and  cause physical discomfort within my body because I was not here in my body but in my mind unaware of the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think while I'm asleep

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and think about what my dream could have meant rather then looking directly and working with what is here in the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shut-down just now and rub my eyes to not see what is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pre-program myself to automatically and systematically react to supporting myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make excuses and back-chat that I can't do it and think of self-limiting words in my mind so that I will give in and give up on myself while at the same time rubbing my eyes and not aware that I'm participating in this physical shutting down until I've been rubbing my eyes for a few seconds

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to remain here fully present in every moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist writing self forgiveness on remaining here because I think I can't actually do it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I still have way to much shit within myself that I need to forgive myself for

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am stuck in the middle of not being able to remain here because I have not been supporting myself and also not being able to support myself without remaining here

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see realize and understand that self-support through writing and being here are not separate

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from self/one here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the thought come up that I don't know where I'm going with my writing and I should stop or think of something specific and meaningful to write

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write with an idea that I will continue writing about a point the next day and then all day today worry that I won't know how to approach my next blog

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself by looking for answers from knowledge and information and try to take those memories and apply them to a new moment all the while recreating the past never here present directing myself in the moment

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to remain here thus I forgive myself to in those moments when I see that I am looking for knowledge information and memories to forgive myself and delete the thoughts, memories, pictures etc.

Day 26: Leaky Nose

 

I woke up sick this morning, my face has been hurting all day I have a massive headache, and I keep sneezing at first I was just stuffed up and then my left nostril started to drip like a leaky faucet and it still is its strange because its only the left side. I will look on the Desteni forum to see what this might indicate. I'm still feeling tired and congested I just don't know what brought this on. The first thing I recall after the feeling like my face was bruised when I first woke up was I remembered a dream I had and it was about a man with a magic carpet and he was going to take 3 people and I on a flight he was a white man with a beard and the other 2-3 people I don't remember them and the white man took up most of the room he was wearing shorts and we all  tried to fit on this small carpet and it was too small so I was trying to position myself so I wouldn't fall off but the man told me that this is not the way to do it there is a way it is done but it's not conventional or something like that anyway we went along for the ride and we got to our location and it was this hotel/saloon type of place and when we arrived I noticed people where there from the old state I used to live in and I noticed some that I had seen before but wasn't friends with them they may be have been people I went to high school with or lived near or maybe even worked with but I just knew them in passing not directly and I remember not wanting to look at them because if they saw me they might want to talk about old times and I felt like I looked shitty because I had just woken up and I hadn't showered nor got ready and I recall thinking to myself in my dream that I looked really shitty and wondered why I decided to wear such odd clothing and then I saw my cousin and I feared seeing him too but my hair was long so I hoped he would not recognize me. The other people went to have a seat and order food to eat and I went to the ladies room so that I could fix myself up a bit because I didn't want all the people from my past to see me in such a disheveled state so anyway in the bathroom there were these small oval mirrors hung up on the wall maybe 5-7 or so and there were other women there too they were all taking up all the mirrors and I was in a hurry and wanted to look at myself and when one finally opened up there was this girl there with her friend and here friend said oh she has to look in the mirror she has acne and one of her pimples is ready to pop in a few hours and I just giggled like okay? But at the same time I could sympathize with her because I picked my face too although, I was more concerned with being able to look at myself in the mirror. I think I glanced at myself momentarily and then let her use the mirror since she seemed to need it more than I did. Then I got back to the table and my roommates where there and I took so long they had all finished eating and my food was sitting on the table cold. I was a bit worried they would be upset that I took so long and at the same time I didn't want anyone from my past to see me so I was a little less concerned about them being upset with me for taking so long but the cold food sitting alone on the table was quite noticeable so no one really had to point everything out it was quite obvious and no one said anything. So I was just about to eat and I heard someone say my name and I was like shit shit shit in my mind thinking fuck this sucks now I have no other choice than to speak to them but I just ignored their calls and the dogs came into my room and woke me up and then I noticed my head pounding my my face hurting and feeling extremely stuffed up and congested.

The end I will see what points to write self-forgiveness on in my next blog.

Day 25: Rushing

Still pushing through resistances with regards to writing I have been online for 45 minutes and the initial reason for getting online was to write in my blog, instead I surfed the web.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist writing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to again go into my mind and think about what I should write

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I have nothing to write and also think that writing self-corrective statements is too hard right now

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I don't know what I'm doing and that I will make a major mistake and make my process longer than it has to be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and tacitly believe that doing nothing to support myself it better than writing anything

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won't be clear and specific within writing self-corrective statements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project that I will fail

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project myself inevitably failing what I commit to do 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failing myself  and somehow betraying myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear writing out self-corrective statements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear of failing myself when the moment comes to correct myself and that it will cause me to fall even harder

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that I have not yet stood up in terms of self-correction therefore there is no way I can fall

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself fear standing up within and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to get to the end already and start writing out self-corrective statements

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see realize and understand that there is no rush nor pressure

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put unnecessary pressure on myself and exist within my mind thinking about the end rather than remaining here present in this moment supporting myself within my process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to rush to the end so that I can get my process over with rather than realizing seeing and understanding that rushing is of the mind and through slowing down I see I support myself most effectively and direct myself to simply put my fingers on the keyboard and write myself to freedom

I now see realize and understand that many points within me still require self-honest self-investigation, and I require to unfold these points prior to writing out specific clear self-corrective statements because I will again fail myself

Day 24: Preparation

Okay, today went well, it wasn't such a "Big Day" after all, nonetheless it was productive. I didn't ask the big question to those people in authoritative positions you know, the ones I spoke of in my last blog. After talking with an expert on the subject at hand, he gave me some good advice, he shared with me that I need to prepare, and after listening to some audios from a man that shared common sense, I now see, realize and understand the importance of preparation.

To allow myself to experience stress is unacceptable because it is a future projection and in this instance its all based on memories where I was rejected at some time or another in the past and taking it from the past and having it go into the future. Therefore all of it is imagined and not actually real here physical and simply put, a mind fuck .

I realize that I must remain humble with regards to anything that I participate within and as, yet I can still practice self-confidence by strengthening my abilities through writing, reading, listening, speaking, self-honesty, self-forgiveness, self-corrective application, training, practice and self-directed, self-action.

Day 23: Read, Write, Listen, Relate

I thought I decided that writing in the morning time makes the most sense for me, in the evening I have a lot going on or simply flat out too tired from being busy all day and I make even more excuses the later the day gets, so I figured to avoid that I will just work on my blog in the morning but I didn't instead I kept myself busy doing other things. This morning I kept allowing myself to get distracted from coming here to blog but either way I'm here, it is the evening time but still I'm standing my ground and keeping my commitment to write.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about what I will do rather than simply remain here and do what is required to be done within and as breath within and as moment

I didn't go anywhere today, well except on a short walk and it was nice I enjoy walking it's finally cooling down here.

Tomorrow I have a 'big day' ahead of me, I speak to some people in top positions and I'm going to ask them to help me achieve something that supports all parties involved. I'm somewhat uncertain and apprehensive about the whole thing.

I've haven't actually directed this point effectively before and I lack confidence in my abilities. I fear I will get really excited and begin speaking from excitement and energy and then lose my footing because I won't convey the point effectively and then just deflate and fall flat on my face defeated and overcome by fear to then just return home to share my misfortune and the misfortune they must succumb to as well because I was unable to maintain my composure.

I fear that I won't speak effectively in our meeting this is the primary point I'm working with because I know that from my heart I know what to share but at the same time I try to sound smart and use big words but they never come out right because after all, I can't fake something that isn't real. I can't use words that I don't fully understand, it just doesn't work.

What I'm speaking of to them has to do with education and reading yet how can I support people with regards to education when I haven't properly educated myself? On the other hand I'm the perfect example of what happens when someone is poorly educated. I want to give them a solid reason for why they should hear me out and not only that but agree with me and to what I suggest.

I happen to be one of those people who fell through the cracks and now lack self-esteem because of a poor education. My parents had a limited supply of money when I was growing up and as you may already know, they all go hand in hand money, education, self-esteem. If you don't have one or more of these things you will inevitably have a limited scope of life, because then one is unable to fully understand the world around them. Whether we are talking about our direct scope of influence or a greater scope of influence its all determined by how well one can understand words, listen, write, read and speak.

It has been proven if a person has a proper education and of course the ability to read that one will have a greater respect for themselves, others and are also more likely to care of the environment etc.
This all makes perfect sense since words create our world. Also did you know that people who read are more self-aware and are less likely to have children out of wedlock, less likely to go to jail, hurt others or themselves, less likely to be on welfare are more likely to vote and the list goes on and on.

Search online - type in the word or words, literacy facts, illiteracy statistics, self-esteem, reading etc. The statistics might astound you and you just may read a book if you aren't already.

I realize that in my life fear has been partly due to insecurity, my crap education and my poor reading ability. When people are educated and able to read effectively they are more likely to try knew things, and be effective human beings able to live effective lives

I went off on a tangent a bit but I do realize reading has a huge impact on all beings on this planet and the planet itself.

Anyhow I feel this way every time I meet new people that I will present with something for their consideration and seek an agreement even if it is that which is best for all.

I don't want just an agreement because I tricked them but because they truly see, hear and understand the importance and urgency to act. I want to know that what I speak of sticks and that they are also able to relay the same message to others as well and the only way they can actually do that is if I was clear, concise and direct and the fear is that that I won't be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project to others that they must urgently act when it is me in fact who must act because I see realize and understand the importance of it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cower and cringe at a task because of fear even though I see, realize and understand that what I'm doing is what is best for all

thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking to people in authoritative roles and immediately go into the inferiority character

It is also unacceptable for me to accept the inferior position from myself and anyone else in this world. I'm able to do more than I think I can - Because thinking is quite unnecessary and is the road to separation, fear, abuse, back-chat and limitation which in turn leads to self-sabotage and diminishment.

I start here in this breath writing and reading to clearly in writing define my starting point one that supports all life one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear simply speaking with someone because they are in an authoritative position

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I'm gonna fuck up and say something stupid that will make them decide what what I'm suggesting is stupid

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately react in fear and become nervous before I get into situations where I'm asking someone to do something for me even if it will also be to their benefit

I just did it again rubbed both my eyes at the same time and almost yawned but I stopped myself by taking a deep breath instead

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically want to shut down when writing about the fear of meeting people in authoritative positions

-oh man, another couple of big yawns

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself to go to exist as the character of and as self-defeat

Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself before giving myself the opportunity to even make a mistake even if that is what it must be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and judge mistakes as negative experiences that I loathe and wish to avoid at all costs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define perfection as positive and good and wish to always do things perfectly without mistake

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power and authority away to polarity manifestations

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to make mistakes nor see mistakes as mini gifts I give to myself to allocate what and where I'm able to further develop my abilities to become a more effective human being

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to grant myself the opportunity to correct myself and simply walk through resistance

Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive this sleepy feeling/experience is real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will get freaked out and nervous and that what I say will come across to the person I'm speaking with ineffectively and I will end up fucking everything up for myself and everyone involved

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put extreme pressure on myself to do well and at the same time participate in the opposite polarity which is what exists within my chest and solar plexus its the energetic charge of fear, nervousness, anxiety

This fear, nervousness and anxiety experience seems to be unapparent yet I know its there because once I finally speak it all comes out in one go and then I really mess up and walk through my self-created hell called back-chat reloaded

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I can't really understand why I experience such immense fear therefore I won't be able to actually correct myself and stop my participation in this feeling of fear, anxiety and nervousness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt and analyze fear and give attention to it rather then keeping my attention here within and as breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that if they don't agree with me I will feel bad and then consider myself as a failure

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe, perceive and have the opinion that if they do not agree or accept my proposal they are rejecting me and don't like me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear rejection and want people to like and approve of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to this whole time that I was thinking of all the things that could go wrong, abuse my human physical body, those around me and all that is here that is physical because rather then remaining here within and as breath earthed, I was in my mind in some alternate make believe reality that I can supposedly disregard when I'm in a mind fuck

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse self/one/all as me here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think for a moment that I don't even know all of me so therefore I can not speak of as all of me here - what a fuck up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still want to be there somewhere in the future where I might be equal to all here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard myself as breath here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget that remaining here within and as breath is my greatest tool for and as self-support

Day 22: Self-Judgement as Writers Block

ok here again,

I thought as long as a wrote my blog consistently I would be able to cover my ass sort of speak therefore I now see realize and understand that I still write from the starting point of others rather than focusing my attention here to sort myself out properly without the requirement of an outside force but rather I direct myself to stand for and as the commitment to support myself through and as writing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately react to daily writing with the fear thought of - Oh shit what if I can not do it?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought that I may not have time and therefore break my commitment rather than realizing I direct myself in each moment and I simply schedule my time effectively and stick to my schedule, after all I make it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move when I feel pressure and only support myself for a short time due to allowing the so called 'pressure' to accumulate within myself as a burst of energy a charge that I allowed to move me rather than seeing realizing and understanding that because of allowing self to be moved directed and controlled by energy I would then have the opposite point come in which is allowing the pressure to direct me in a way that I do not write, in fact I never directed myself nor gave myself the directive control to actually change myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away to energy charges and not direct myself to write within and as the starting point of and self here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and participate in positive and negative energy fluctuations of the mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that all the time when I write I speak about the same points and am not getting anywhere

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on the end rather then remaining here and realizing that within remaining here, present I'm able to support self by bringing all parts of self here within and as breath

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I have allowed self-suppression through allowing and accepting the thought of I don't know how to word what I'd like to say effectively to remain and exist within and as me thus not actually here present to be able to recognize that I was actually pushing thoughts, feelings, pictures and emotions deep within me to avoid self-intimacy all together

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be at war with myself and shove thoughts down within myself and think that somehow by doing this repeatedly I can avoid facing points that require clear self-honest self-direction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my ability to place words effectively within my writings is terrible and inaccurate and therefore seeing this as a possible problem for those that that read this blog

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be perceived as perfect, I realize that I am not yet the perfection of and as life equal and one and for me to try and attempt to be perfect at this point is silly because at this stage in my process the only perfection possible for me would be the perfection of a system of abuse and separation thus it is my self-responsibility to walk backwards and delete my memories and accepted and allowed character creations to thus exist here within and as breath and return to nothingness to be able to stand as a living example of and as perfection as life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive sorting myself out to be a daunting task

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use fear as a means to try and escape self-responsibility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think believe and perceive for a moment that walking my process may be futile because there is a chance that I'm unable to actually support myself to return to nothingness in this lifetime and recreate myself and live

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive anything at all and to use those thoughts beliefs and perceptions as justifications and excuses to further enslave myself to the self-limited ideas I have allowed from myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become discouraged with myself and my abilities due to giving in when I could have supported myself thus allowing self-diminishment through fucking with my self-directed control, self-trust and self-discipline

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write many blogs and create vlogs that I never posted out of fear of judgement and to constantly delete what I have written or what I spoke about because I saw it as unworthy of being viewed or read by others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into self-judgement rather then approaching myself head on directing myself to not allow or accept thoughts of limitation to direct and control my actions words and deeds